15 Minutes A Day

Could it really be this simple?


I was passing time this afternoon cruising the web via the addictive StumbleUpon.com, when I stumbled across HabitForge.com. 


The premise is this:  It takes 21 days to develop (or break) a habit. On HabitForge, you type in the habit you want to develop. You are emailed daily with an inquiry about whether or not you met the goal for developing the habit the previous day. You click yes or no, and that's it. When you're feeling daring, you go to the website and check your stats. If you miss a single day, you have to start at day one again.


This is my first day one. The habit I am trying to enforce is to write 15-30 minutes a day. I did not specify what I would write, or in which journal or blog I would write. (I have three that I will tell you about.) Just that I would write 15-30 minutes a day.


I can do that, right? Just write. For 15 minutes a day. 


(I think I am going to LOVE this particular application of technology. It's like a gentle, personal nag! But without all the noise.)


I have three blogs/journals currently built and ready to fill. One is the one you are currently reading. I have another one in which I will do writing exercises from a few books from which I've blown off the dust -- THE ARTIST'S WAY and THE WRITER'S IDEA BOOK.  The third is dedicated to my son, and that one is currently private. I may start a fourth private journal for all those terrible, dark or deeply personal thoughts and feelings that I'm just not bold enough to express publicly. Yet.


One of the things I will strive for as a writer is openness and complete honesty. I wonder if that's even possibly when you've attached your name to the venue of expression. How honest can I be?


I was once accused of being "honest to the point of brutality." I will never forget that moment. All the details are etched in my memory so painfully, so sharply. It was during a counseling session with my ex-husband. He was late for the session. He arrived inebriated. I didn't want to go ahead with the session, but the counselor insisted. I was asked how I felt at that moment, about my soon-to-be-ex-husband's tardiness and condition, so I answered. I told them both that I was angry and disgusted. That I was tired of being told that I shouldn't be angry because "alcoholism is a disease." I was disgusted, by that point, with the very sight of the man. I didn't love him. In fact, I'd never been in love with him, and I told him repeatedly before we married that I'd only end up hurting him in the end. He didn't listen. He wore me down, with the help of friends and family on both sides. 


Oh, yes. It all came out in quite a torrent, but I never raised my voice. I spoke calmly and pointedly. I sat very still in the cushy chair, and I looked both of them in the eye while I spoke. I felt strong and empowered. The sun was setting and a ray of light was coming in the window at a slant across my hands, which were folded in my lap.


When I was done, a sudden and heavy silence fell in the room. Then he said it. The counselor said, "You know, Jeanne, there is such a thing as being too honest."


"Excuse me?," I said, my voice rising with emotion for the first time. "EXCUSE me? Are you suggesting that I lie? That I lie in a counseling session rather than tell the truth?"


I looked over at my ex-husband who appeared to be totally disengaged. (In fact, I am quite sure he doesn't remember the session at all, although it was our last.) 


The counselor then spoke the words that pinged around in my head like a bullet shot inside of a tank.


"You are honest to the point of brutality."


And there you have it. 


Before that day, which was over 16 years ago, I'd believed that complete honesty was a good and noble practice. I was stunned into silence. All I could think about was the brutality to which I'd been exposed. The brutality that comes from the gut of a wounded, angry man who sought oblivion in a Budweiser bottle, and why was that okay... and honesty not?


I got up and walked out, and that was that. When my ex-husband sobered up the next day, I told him I wasn't going back to the counselor with him. I reminded him that he almost didn't show up, and that when he did, he was drunk, and that it obviously wasn't doing either of us any good. I also told him about the comment equating the extent of my honesty to brutality. To his credit, he apologized and told me that I should always be honest, even if it did hurt, if what I was speaking was the truth. 


I felt a little better about it, but since then, I've spent a lot of time mulling over the nature of honesty. I still believe that honesty is the best and most noble route, but I also understand that one has to exercise care with honesty. Care with the time, the place, the circumstances in which it is expressed, as well as the intent with which it is expressed.


Sometimes silence... or even "a little white lie"... just may be the lesser of two evils.


And that is why there are some truths that will most likely remain tucked away in the safety of a private journal. I'll follow Mark Twain's example, and allow its release 100 years after my death. 


Ohmy! 34 minutes of writing! Fascinating where the mind takes you when you just let it go, huh?


Before I finish this post, I want to state that less than a year after that counseling session, my ex-husband put down the bottle and never picked it up again. He has been sober ever since. It wasn't what was needed to save the marriage, and we both grew to realize that we didn't really bring out the best in each other. We divorced more-or-less amicably, are still committed to the raising of our son, and both moved on in the love department. I learned a lot from my first marriage, including what I really want and need in a relationship, and found it, joyfully and thankfully, with my current husband. All is well!  


Now I must venture out into the unusually warm, stormy night to take the Pom out for a pee! That's about as real as it gets!

All right already! I went to the doctor!

Like most women I know, I am stubborn and a little stupid when it comes to taking care of myself. Take this whole sciatica situation, for example. It all began with pain in the ball of my left foot probably a month or more ago. I didn't think much of it. It went away. Then there was the pulling sensation in my lower back, down the back of my thigh. That went away after a few days.

So when I went to help spruce up the new rehearsal space the theatre company acquired, it didn't dawn on me to sit back and let someone else lug out the 5 gallon buckets of dirty water from the steam vac. Nah! I knew I could handle that. I am, after all, WOMAN! Foolish woman, but WOMAN, nonetheless.

Had I not learned? Had I not learned from the occasional bouts of back pain brought on by similar chores? Obviously not, because a few hours after the lugging, the pain in my lower back... oh wait! No... that's not really my lower back. It's my entire left buttcheek! Oh, and now it's shooting down my thigh, and zingo, skips the knee and goes right out the ball of my foot.

I am not a wimp. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. When I write that the last two weeks I've reached level 8 on the pain scale, I'm not exaggerating. For those who have listened to me whine endlessly for days, I'd apologize except I know something you don't know. The whining is the only outlet that has kept me from tears, and I feel like I've kept going pretty well and been toughing it out.

Pleh. Well, now the real toughing it out starts. I've been given a mild painkiller to take when I really need it. I'm to call a chiropractor, recommended to start yoga, and, of course, I need to get serious about weight loss. Somehow, I've gotta' do that while not stressing my back. (That means no walking, no treadmill, no aerobics, no... uh huh! You've got the picture!) I wonder if I have the fortitude to return to the modified fast that led to my 100+ pound weight loss 20 years ago. (Time flies when you're eating chocolate!) I'd only do that until the back eased up, and I can really move again. Hmmm...

Welcome to 2010 and my 50th year! The year of my rebirth!

But no. Despite today's blah blah blah about my sciatic and moo-cow-weight issue, this is NOT going to become a diet blog. There are already many of those in the world, and though the weight loss is essential, there are headier and more spirited aspects of my life I'd rather share with anyone who cares to read them.

Mostly I just want to get in the habit of writing SOMETHING every day. Because I do have, somewhere deep within me, a really, really good book.

Until I write again...

January 1, 2010 ~ Predictions and Stuff

It takes the onset of pain for one to really appreciate good health and being pain free. My sciatic nerve is very unhappy, and the extent of the pain is really quite astounding. I've gained a new empathy for those who suffer with sciatica, and pray that mine will resolve itself soon. (Web research shows that 90% of sciatica flare ups resolve without surgical intervention. I love the internet!) I've put off calling the doc and/or a chiropractor, but am waving the white flag of surrender and will be calling Monday.

In the meantime, I think of a woman I loved very much who left this world on Thanksgiving. Mrs. Gentile suffered almost every day of her life from pain, but she lived with grace, joy, humor and love, and no matter how badly she was feeling, she always noted that there were people worse of than she. I'm going to embrace that philosophy and muddle through this temporary set back, and celebrate all amazing things in my life.

I begin 2010 with so much hope and anticipation! Chris is plugging away on his edited manuscript, which is due back to the publisher on January 6. His second book will arrive in print in July. People are already pre-ordering the book! It's very exciting, and I've had a sense all along that this book was going to do very well for Chris. His first book and his research have already reached around the world, so the pre-orders are no surprise to me. I predict now that he is going to spend the upcoming year fielding requests for attendance at conferences, doing presentations, radio shows, more TV/film, and that by next year at this time, he will be able to retire from his job and make a fine living doing the research, writing, traveling and exploring on which he thrives. I am so proud of and so excited for him!

I am blessed to share my home with two wonderful young men... my son Geno and my stepson Alex. They are both 18 until Alex hits 19 in a few weeks. They have both faced some academic challenges this year, but I have confidence that as they find their paths and focus on the future, they are going to excel. I love my time with them. They make me laugh, they make me think, and they put up with my mothering, which is never easy for 18-year-olds! I am so proud when I hear from others that Geno and Alex are great kids, and, although the grades could be better, I know they are passionate about what they love, they are respectful, intelligent and likable. For them I predict a year of finding themselves and their passions and impressing themselves as much as us with their achievements.

Danville Light Opera is keeping me very busy, between my work on the Board of Directors and my work directing THE SPITFIRE GRILL, which opens in February. I've made some amazing friends through DLO, and find that I love the all-encompassing creative process that is directing. It is a real thrill to have a vision and watch it coming to life before my eyes. My cast is incredible! And the production team is made up of capable, enthusiastic people. I can't WAIT until opening night, and look forward to each and every rehearsal until that happens. I predict a very successful run! And I'm thinking about directing another show next year. Maybe.

My job continues to be a real antipode. LOVE the people with whom I work. Love them SO much! The job itself is incredibly stressful and not very creatively fulfilling. Not that I'm not great at what I do, because I am. But I'm not very happy. Because I work at the community college and enjoy the free tuition benefit, I'll be there until Geno and Alex complete their ASA degrees. If I give up some of my theatre responsibilities, maybe I'll get a degree, too, but if I'm honest, it's not a huge priority for me right now. It should be. But I'm having too much fun doing other things! : )

Chris and I learned a few days after Christmas that my eldest stepson, Pete, and his girlfriend will be having a baby in June. This is Chris's first grandbaby, making me a stepnana. The situation isn't ideal, but we are focusing on the blessing of the child and hoping this will be a good thing for Pete and Trina, and a joy to all of us. My initial feeling was boy, but I'm a little wishy-washy now. Probably comes from looking at cute girl baby clothes at Baby Gap while shopping earlier this week. So I'm sticking with my original feeling that the baby will be a boy.

Things I'd like to achieve or do in 2010 include... *sigh* ... yes, losing weight and getting more fit. I know 2009 has been a really bad year for me weight-wise. I know I've put on more weight. I'm shaped like a big ball. The ankle I broke is often uncomfortable, and I'm pretty sure my weight is contributing to this sciatic nerve pain. I avoid the doctor because I don't want to get on the scale. Ignorance CAN be bliss, right? But it's time to stop avoiding and start working on my weight/health issues. I need to make myself exercise. HATE IT! But it's a necessary evil, right? If I could figure out a way to hook up the laptop to the treadmill, I could play games like Pathwords while I walk, and wouldn't that be awesome? : )

I want to make another trip back east. I think I need to do that at LEAST once a year. I need to reconnect with friends and family. I am so sad that I'm missing my nieces and nephews growing up. I'm very sad and frustrated about the disconnect with my brother Scott and his family. I really want to smack him upside the head, but I need to rise above it and make the effort to re-establish communication. I'd also like to get to Texas to see my Mom and meet her boyfriend, too. And, the last of my travel wishes, is to take a REAL vacation with Chris. Of course, with limited vacation time from work, I don't know how I'll make this all happen, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Time to ice my back again.

Until I write again...

The Sporadic Blogger

Christmas 2009




Yes, I should re-title my blog THE SPORADIC BLOGGER. I was going to delete the entire blog to date and start fresh until I reread some of my posts and realized that there are things there I want to remember, and that this is a good reason to try to blog more regularly.

For instance, reviewing my New Year's 2009 blog, I can happily report that I accomplished several of my goals. No, I didn't lose weight, so that one will be slapped on the 2010 list o' things I wanna' do. We're actually starting a Biggest Loser thing in our office on January 4, so maybe I'll succeed htis year? Anyway... not beating myself up!!!




Chris did finish his book and it will be published in July 2010. It is available for pre-order on Amazon and is already selling! He's received the edited manuscript back and is working on that, as well as reviewing and re-working some images. I won't see much of him in the next several weeks.

I did get back east and get to spend 10 days with family and friends. It was WONDERFUL, though bittersweet. "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." It was hard to leave, but I was so incredibly happy to have quality time with Susan and Sharon, to see my brother John and his children, to spend time in the beautiful cemetery where my dad is buried, and to be by the ocean...

The last week has been emotionally difficult. I'm dealing with sciatica, which is very painful. Friends of ours are spending Christmas at the hospital, because their 17-year-old daughter was in a car wreck (caused by black ice) and is in pretty rough shape (although she will recover). A family I am very close to asked me to attend the sentencing of the man who killed their daughter/granddaughter/niece. That was a gut-wrenching afternoon, and justice was not served. The man plead guilty to a lesser charge of involuntary manslaughter. He was originally charged with first degree murder. He received 7 years for the murder he committed. With time served and good behavior, he can be out in less than 2 years. There can never be justice for the murder of a child, but this is ludicrous. I'm asking people I know to show their outrage at this ridiculous sentence and their support for the Williams' family by reading about little Reagan and considering a contribution to Reagan's Rescue at http://www.reagansrescuefund.com.

I do believe there is a greater justice beyond this life, but how does that help the Williams family heal and move on? I don't know...

I do know that two members of the family are involved in the show I am directing, THE SPITFIRE GRILL. And it is my genuine hope that the creative effort of performing will be a positive light in their lives. Directing this show is a source of joy for me. I love the challenge, the thought-process, the creativity, the cast, the production team! As a director, I know I am blessed to have incredible support, and I do not take it for granted one little bit. I am sure future blogs will relate more about this experience. Particularly since Geno is in the show, and it's going to be quite a balancing act... mother/son and director/actor. Ohmy.

Right now, it is Christmas morning and things are quiet. I slow-roasted a turkey overnight, and the house smells amazing. Chris has taken Mollie for a walk, and now we're just waiting on the boys to open the few gifts under the tree. (Few because the things the boys wanted really couldn't be wrapped -- like money for car repairs, or, in Alex's case a new (used) car.) Last night, Chris brought me home some Crystal Skull Vodka. Oh, yes! Vodka triple filtered through crystal then bottled in Italian glass shaped like a crystal skull! Later on today we'll head over to the home of friends for dessert and fun.

I won't promise to blog again soon. But maybe... just maybe... I will surprise myself.

Sending out love and light and blessings to all on this dark, rainy, peaceful Christmas morning.

Until I write again...

Disappointment & Perseverence Go Hand-in-Hand

Well, I didn't get either of the jobs in the school district. I have soothed my devastated soul and wounded esteem with logic about probable in-house hiring or hiring of someone with less experience who would, therefore, make less of an impact on the school budget.

I keep reminding myself that before I went into that first interview, I sent a prayer up to God. "Please put me where I'm supposed to be for my own greatest good and the greatest good of my family and employers."

After the initial disappointment, which was quite severe, I kept reminding myself about the prayer, and reconciled myself to the fact that all is as it should be, and I am where I should be.
I must say that my current boss was absolutely delighted with the outcome! And I do adore her, so that made me smile.

I will persevere. The winds of change are blowing in my department at work, and there is a possibility, and a gut feeling, that I may be moving in to another position. It is a much better fit for me. More project work. Less phones and walk-in traffic. More creative stuff... desktop publishing, flyers, publications, Powerpoint. Fingers crossed! Toes, too. I can be patient.
Other than that, there is not much to tell. Family is wonderful! I've managed to start a few small artworks. I've started writing blocking notes for The Spitfire Grill (the show I'm directing during the upcoming theatre season). I'm very excited about the directing gig! And it really seems significant that I will be turning 50 the weekend the show runs.

Cronedom approaches!

And on that note, I am heading to bed!

Until next time...

So Very Quiet

It's July 4th. The house is eerily quiet. The boys are both off for the weekend, and Chris and I are home alone. Chris had trouble sleeping last night, so he's still in dreamland. It is overcast and a gentle rain is falling. That might put a damper on the plans of other folks, but I'm loving it!


I learned Thursday late afternoon that I wasn't selected for a job for which I'd interviewed. I was extremely disappointed, but there was some consolation. They have asked me back this coming Monday to interview for another job as Secretary to the Principal of one of the elementary schools. I'm trying to get over the disappointment on the first job and gear myself up to believe I'll get this second job. I did do a little prayer before the first interview that God put me where I need to be for the greater good of my family and myself, so maybe... maybe...

See, that's the thinking I need to change. I need to go into this interview on Monday with the same confidence I had last time around. But I'm afraid to get my hopes up. *sigh*


Not that it's the end of the world to stay where I am. Not quite, anyway. I do adore my boss. She's wonderful; a good friend, as well as an understanding and appreciative boss. But the job itself sucks the life out of me and leaves me feeling unfulfilled and depressed. It's a hard way to make a living, not doing what one loves.



Oh, if things could be done over again, eh? But they can't. I can change the future, though, so I'm officially manifesting a successful interview and the landing of the job!


So here I sit in the intense quiet of the house, fretting.


I think I will distract myself by starting THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE, a book that came highly recommended by a friend. Would suit the misty, overcast, warm mood of the day.


And maybe there will be fireworks later. ;-)

We are, after all, home alone!



Here's one of those self-shot dorky pix... Chris and I at Alex's graduation:

Once Every Six Months

It seems I have the time and inclination to blog only once every six months. This is primarily the result of a lack of discipline, which is a recurring theme in my life.

I was pondering this morning how exactly to conquer this lack of discipline. I know it would be good for me in many areas of my life. I found myself asking me, "Why don't I care?" Because if I'm being honest, that would be the bottom line, right?

Then I was going to make a list of things I could improve if I were to implement a modicum of discipline. I started the list in my head. It was too scary and overwhelming to put into print, even in an online blog that only a few people will ever read.

So...

I'm going to take it in small bits. One thing at a time. And so, here I am. Blogging.

What's happened over the last six months worthy of mention in my sporadic blog?

I got an A in my business math class at college, thereby earning 3 more credits to the elusive AAS degree/Administrative Professional! : )

I created one ACEO (art card) for the 2009-2010 deck of playing cards.

I played the role of a lifetime when I "became" Fraulein Schneider in CABARET. It really was a stellar moment. Perhaps the best moment I've ever had on stage. I followed that by re-donning my habit and playing Sister Lee in DO BLACK PATENT LEATHER SHOES REALLY REFLECT UP? It was fun! The best part of the experience, however, was watching my son (who had the lead) grow as an actor and singer, and discovering that there is someone incredible in this town who could handle the role of Percy in THE SPITFIRE GRILL, which I'm directing during the upcoming season.

My youngest stepson, Alex, graduated from high school. He is so focused and determined! I'm proud of him and honored to be his stepmom.

I endured the trials and tribulations of my job. I've tried to like it, but I'm failing miserably. I adore my boss, who really is a wonderful, special woman. Wonderful and special enough that when I recently applied for another job, she wrote me a glowing letter of recommendation. I'm hoping I hear something today about this potential new job.

My husband finally completed his second book. It has been submitted to the publisher, and he is expecting the edited manuscript back soon. Then the rewrite (ugh). My gut tells me it's going to start out with a bigger bang than his first book (published in 1998), and then continue to sell for years, the way his first one has. The first one hasn't made us rich... heck no! But I think the second will do better in that regard. Maybe not make us rich, but at least provide a means for Chris to consider retiring and working on the next two books that are dancing around in his head.

I have reconnected with many old friends via social networking sites (MySpace/Facebook). That has been great fun. A very enjoyable pursuit. Maybe taking up more time than it should, but it's very cool to find out what happened to people I've wondered about over the years. One in particular came out of nowhere after over a decade of silence. Amazing to think of this guy as married with three kids now! Time marches on. We all grow up. I feel a little thrill to see friends from my childhood and teen years sporting crinkles and gray hairs. Aging, to me, isn't a bad thing. I'm fascinated by the process -- in others and in myself. Oh, yes! I do feel distress when a knew wrinkle appears, but I'll never botox. The gray hairs? Well, L'oreal is my friend in that regard. : )

Okay, that's it for now! Let's see if I actually make it back to post tomorrow. That's my simple goal. Shouldn't be too daunting.

Peace!