2009

I make no resolutions. I've found that resolutions only set me up for failure. It's that lack of discipline thing.

I've tried to feel something about the change of one year into another, but this year it's a "ummm... and?" feeling. It's just one day into another into another as always has been and always will be.

I am not a pessimist.

I am, often to the chagrin of people around me, an optimist. Some would say an unrealistic optimist. I've been called Mary Sunshine, Pollyanna, and have been accused of wearing rose colored glasses. My cup is always half full.

I like it that way.

I like that when I get up in the morning... MOST mornings... I make a conscientious decision to be upbeat and cheerful. When those around me aren't and behave in a way that is like a pinprick to my balloon of upbeatedness, it honestly can devastate me to the point of tears. I don't know why, and this gets worse as I get older. I'm blaming hormones for that.

I'm trying to rise above my current health "crisis", which isn't easy. I've been bleeding since October 22. (Sorry, fellas. But that's as graphic as I'll get. I promise.) When people talk to me about not feeling well, being anxious or irritable, I've been pretty good about keeping my internal dialogue to myself. It goes something like this, though, "Irritable? Anxious? I'LL tell you about irritable and anxious! And on top of that..." I do a good internal rant, and most of the time manage to keep a smile on my face and provide the "poor sweet baby" vibes those around me need. Probably to my own detriment, but the women reading this will see themselves in that. It's just kinda' what we do, isn't it?

I'm not complaining. I'm really not. Just sharing. That's what a blog's for, right?

Anyway... 2009.

I'm looking at it this way. My family has endured some pretty challenging stuff in 2007 and 2008, so we're due for a really good year. I also hear that Aquarians can expect a very positive energetic turnaround, so bring it on!

In 2009, I would like to lose weight, but won't beat myself up if I don't. I would like my health issues to be resolved without surgery, but if they gotta' cut me, they gotta' cut me. I would like to see my husband finish his book and get it published. He NEEDS that, and I need to find ways to help make that happen for him. I would like to learn some limits in my life, like when to say no or when NOT to take an opportunity when I know it's going to stretch me too thin. (No pun intended.) I would like to do a girlfriends get-away. I think that would be GREAT for me. It's not always easy being the only girl in the house. I would like to do more creative writing. Maybe my blog will help with that? I would like to make more art. I just need time, and to do that, something else has to go. Probably my community theatre involvement. Less time on stage, although I'm really enjoying these years. Being a mature character actress has opened up so many roles to me. I never was the ingenue, but I'm surely the big, beautiful mother, the fraulein, the snooty socialite. It's hard NOT to audition when there are actually roles that fit.

In 2009, I want to see my family back east at least once. I have nieces and nephews I haven't seen in 5+ years. That makes me sad. I would like to know these people.

In 2009, I would like to find a job that is more suited to who I am. I adore my boss, but hate my job. I'm paid drek, and if it weren't for the free tuition that will be available to my boys, I would probably quit this job and actively pursue something else. So, probably three more years of this, but it would be nice if an ideal opportunity fell into my lap in 2009. I'm open to it.

I will be 49 in February 2009. I don't know if I'm amused or stunned to be this close to 50. I've never been hung up on age. But 50. It's so... 50. It's really more than half way to dead no matter what your health condition is. That's kind of scary. I think I won't think about that again in 2009.

One thing I do want to do in 2009 is be sure the people I love know that I love them. My husband is my beloved, and that is a miracle. My son is my rock. He challenges me, yes, but he is also there for me, and I am proud of the young man he has become. My elder stepson has no idea how much I love him, really, because he is facing his own challenges right now and I think views me as a pain in his arse, but that's okay. I know the place from whence I act, and it's my heart. My younger stepson is a constant source of amazement. He is so perceptive, astute and funny. He has survived some rough times during his childhood, taken charge of his life and become so positive and successful. I love my Women Around the Well, my fellow Bingevillians, and my dearest Danville friends who have come from Danville Light Opera. There are, however, no friends like the old friends, and Susan and Sharon are my soulsisters now and forever. And I love my Mom. In my family growing up, we didn't say, "I love you" a lot, but that doesn't mean we don't feel it. (I've broken that pattern with my own family. We say it and mean it every day.)

Until I blog again... Happy New Year!

Jeanne