Saturday, December 4, 2010

An Out of Sorts Kind of Day

Last night I stood on the back porch watching the gentle snow fall. A thin blanket had already begun to stick, and as I moved, the porch light reflecting off thousands... millions... of snowflakes made the world twinkle. My two almost-13-year-old dogs, Mollie (a knee-high chow/shepherd/something mix) and Lily (a black Pomeranian) frolicked in the fluff like puppies. Noses down and tossing puffs of the white stuff into the air, snapping at it as it fell back down, chasing each other, slipping and sliding. It was great fun to watch.

This morning there is about 4" on the ground. It's so cold that the snow has remained light and fluffy, but it's made travel challenging. I knew this was coming, and about 10 p.m. last night, I emailed committee members that a meeting we were scheduled to have this morning at 10 a.m. would be postponed until tomorrow due to the weather. I thought that was plenty of notice, but one committee member does not have easy access to a computer, and after sending out the message last night, and honestly believing it was plenty of time, I got a call from her this morning. She was not happy with me, as she'd driven into town for the meeting.

Yes, I actually did think to call her last night, but it was 10 p.m., and I didn't think it appropriate to call at that late hour, as it is a family telephone, land line, and I didn't want to disturb anyone. If I'd been thinking this morning, which I wasn't, I would've called, but I didn't. I deserved the lambasting I got on the phone, I guess. I apologized and fully intend to reimburse the gas money out of my own pocket as a further apology. I called another friend to talk about the situation, and she kindly noted that if it had been her, she would've looked at the snow and made a phone call herself to determine if plans had changed before she got in the car to drive any distance. God bless her, and she's got a point, but I'm the committee chair, and it was my dropped ball.

So, I feel like an ass.

It happens, right? I can't even count the number of times in my life that I've driven in the snow only to find my destination closed or an event cancelled. And, yes, that royally ticks one off. Being a contained New Englander, I just suck it up and get on with life. The situation this morning led me to think about how good it might've felt if I'd just once picked up the phone and ripped someone a new one for neglecting to inform me of a closing or cancellation or postponement when I'd showed up as originally planned... whether weather related or otherwise.

Maybe in the moment it would've felt good, but I know myself well enough that the aftermath of chagrin and guilt wouldn't be worth it. The key would be the ability to shut off the chagrin and guilt, but who I am and the way I was raised lends itself more easily to containment, assimilation and release without ruffling anyone else's feathers.

I work hard at it.

I work equally hard at beating myself up when I've effed up. So instead of enjoying the pretty snow and looking forward to the work holiday party tonight, I'm feeling very out of sorts and anti-social and done.

In fact, I'm going to slip into bed and watch some TV instead of putting up the Christmas tree this afternoon.

I would've been a really awesome turtle.

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